C'est la vie: Agustus 2019

A Letter from The Jealousy

Disclaimer: to anyone who reads this blog (no one knows tho), this one is not offering you positive vibes and use countless 'too much'es, so you better read other posts of mine cause after reading this you’re not gonna like me

The feeling of jealousy comes in any way that I've never understood. Many articles, hundreds love poem I've read to at least minimize the feeling of welling up. I've been trawling google looking for answers. I want to be a tough ignorant strong woman like you. I wonder whether there is someone suffers things like me. I wonder how they are not like me or how they overcome this unpleasant and depressing feeling.

I do aware of the notion that jealousy is only experienced by those who have less self-confidence. To me, it’s not totally right or wrong.

It is not totally right cause to me my self is enough and I can feel that my bf likes me. But again, jealousy just comes in any way that I couldn’t understand. I've never told him that I’m THAT jealous cause I realize that sometimes I become too much, yet the feeling is just there, like a nightmare.

And sure I won't tell him cause with repeated demands for more reassurance whether he still finds me attractive, he could possibly begin to wonder why I feel so insecure and think that I am not the right one.

The notion is not totally wrong cause there are questions which mostly come on my mind indicating that I am telling the truth. Like am i too much if everyday there are calls from his ex? Am i too much if his top whatsapp contact is his ex? Am i too much if he is blushing and smiling whenever he gets a message from his ex? Am i too much if he never told me why he became that intense with her? Aren't those questions specifically mentioning the 'party' and being specific is telling the truth and telling the truth is not too much and being not too much means normal? Somehow he was super generous, till I cant see any differences between me and his ex. Am i still being too much? ~~Yes, you are.~~

Regardless whether it is true, I then remember of another idea I read in an article.

'We believe that it is important to normalize jealousy as an emotion. Telling people "you must have low self-esteem" will not work. In fact, jealousy-in some cases-may reflect high self-esteem: "I won't allow myself to be treated this way."

Makes sense, doesn't it?

Still, deep down inside there keeps telling me that it’s all about me who is always too much. Now I’m trying to have a self-reflection, looking for various possibilities why I am experiencing this, probably :

I have a mental health disorder I should see a psychiatrist.

I’m the last child who used to be a priority.

I had been cheated on, that there’s part of my heart that probably isn’t fully recovered yet.

I am not settling down, so I haven't had anything to offer or proud of yet.

What so ever other possibilities you name it cause I am just being too much.

I wish my bf knew that sometimes I just need to take times at the moment I found something that makes my stomach full of butterflies. Since he’s not a type of man who utters ‘i love you’, I need to feel it and look for the answer whether he’s faithful by myself, then I wish he just gave me time without judging or blaming. I wish he told me more about himself. I wish I was as ignorant as him. I wish he knew that I'm struggling very hard to get over this torturous feelings. I wish he someday reads this and told me that it's okay to feel this way, it's okay to cry. I wish I could tell him that sometimes I feel the anger and the anxiety rising inside me and I don't know what to do. I wish he knew that it hurts a lot that I can't understand my own self. Hhhh I am such a total loser wkwk.

The thing that I should've realized is that he’s forever not mine, so I cannot keep him. Then why I become that bitchy and selfish I know that. I should've found more best boy friends so I can understand his feeling better. I will.

The last question, if I am jealous, does it mean that there's something terribly wrong with me? I don't know. The fact is that I can take my jealousy and do something about it cause I can fully decide if it'll consume me or let it make me into a better person. It's important to ask myself again and again what I hope to gain by my jealousy. I'm trying!

The truth is, jealousy leads me to always focus only on the negatives. I then interpret my partner's behavior as reflecting a loss of interest in me or a growing interest in someone else. It's not healthy and dangerous. I know I know I know.

Well, anyway it's not a rocket science, I need to pull myself together.

See? Do you hate me now? Hehe

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, by lilisnurha

life

Saung Wangsakerta: We Cant Go to School so We Make Our Own

Two days ago, Wishnu got an invitation to be one of the speakers of Festival Film Bahari in Cirebon, West Java. It is an annual event since 2018 held as an appreciation platform for maritime tradition and culture. This event aims to raise people awareness of the coastal environment and to overspread knowledge about coastal culture and sea life through films.

This year the FFB has the theme of diversity, since they believe that coastal communities have great strength: pluralism. It has been developed through encounters in shipping, trade, political and cultural relations. It then shapes coastal communities to be more open with differences, including ethnicity, religion, race, and culture.

taken at Desa Bondet, one of FFB venues

FFB has several agenda, one of them was watching movies and had a discussion entitled ‘Sea Tales and World around us’ with Wishnu at Saung Wangsakerta, Kampung Karangdawa, Desa Setupatok, Kecamatan Mundu, Cirebon. I came along with him and never imagined that I would meet Ibu Farida Mahri, the one who 'built' Sekolah Alam Wangsakerta. Little did I know that she had decided to leave her job at international NGO for building a place for children who cannot continue their school due to financial issues.

Sekolah Alam Wangsakerta was initiated 2 years ago by Ibu Farida. In the first year, she rented a house in a village where the houses were next to each other. "We had a very great time, and you know, children are children. Sometimes they forget that they are super noisy haha," she laughed. At that time, some of the villagers felt disturbed by their noise and started to complain. Then last year, they found an empty space next to a cemetery which was believed to be 'spooky'. They built together Saung Wangsakerta there.

Saung Wangsakerta, the second home for Karangdawa children

Having their own curriculum, they create their agenda everyday. Monday is reading time. Ibu Farida usually brings them short stories from kompas or other sources to discuss in the class. Sometimes they'll have articles or books about agriculture or animal husbandry, where on Tuesday and Wednesday are the practice time. They go to the field or the land around Saung to plant or 'make' something. Thursday is happy time, in which they can choose any activity they really like. It could be movie, theater, arts, or dance. Friday is the time to take care of garbage. Besides being given lessons not to litter, they also learned how to process organic waste into fertilizer.

Saturday and Sunday are actually their holiday, if they want. However, they'll keep coming to Saung to just see each other. They usually bring their 'plan' to be discussed with their friends. The children who are interested in selling things will bring their products, some others who like writing will bring the stories they want to post on their blog, etc.

Their spirit's amazed me. I almost cried when a 3-year-old boy approached me, without saying a word smiled bashfully. He should have a better future, I thought. Look at you, Lilis! Seeing things on the surface. Yeah, I shouldn't feel sorry for him or anyone there, cause they do have a better future. They are friends of nature. They've learned a lot of things from the nature, even probably understand the world better than us, who get a formal and perfect-like education system, cause this school is always encouraging children to discover and create.

Wangsakerta's library

While waiting for the movies coming, I invited them to play some games. It was such a pleasure for me to see them laughing and having fun. I could see that they're engaged in any activities, especially physical activities. They're the great listeners and very respectful.

In his session, Wishnu showed the children some pictures of Indonesia where he has visited. There was a statement that I think is relatable and gave them optimistic gaze to pursue their dreams. He said, 'One of the best thing to do to make particular place known is a story written by someone born from that place. You see Andrea Hirata who writes Laskar Pelangi? Ahok, the great man born in Belitung? So, keep creating and writing.' I could see their eyes. The mesmerizing eyes full of hopes and achievements. We know that someday Saung Wangsakerta can produce many inspiring books and outstanding masterpieces.

Wishnu and his tales about Indonesia

Till we meet again, Laskar Wangsakerta

You guys can read their writings here , or follow their activity on their facebook and youtube. You can also contact them through those platforms in case of visit or donation :)

Notes: some of the pictures quality is not good sorry

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, by lilisnurha

food

What I Ate in Xi'an

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, by lilisnurha

about me

How I Discovered Sex

Otis Milburn and Maeve Wiley - Sex Education, Netflix

“She’s not an object! You keep describing her as inanimate objects, but she is a person.” - Otis Milburn, Sex Education

Hi. How’s life? How’s your sex life? hehe

I’m currently watching Sex Education, a netflix series which makes me remember a thing that I’ve never told anyone. Not using the term ‘sexuality’ since it is not about my sexual feelings, thoughts, or behaviours towards other people, but it’s more about how I discover that there are activities called sexual intercourse. Omg.

The first time I figured it out was something silly. Where I didn’t get much exposure or information from family as well as society I raised cause sex was such a sensitive issue to bring on the dinner table. I’ve never had any discussion about it. I’ve never had any courage to ask about it. I didn’t get any opportunity, even bravery, to even think about it. There was no clear explanation. Sex sounds extremely despicable and unusual. It’s like there is thick boundary between the term and the social life.

I was born in a religious family; talking about sex is immensly taboo. Along with all curiosity, I needed to figure it out myself. I kept asking what it was between my legs for, why my parents told me to keep it away and not showing it to others, why mine is different from a baby boy’s I’ve ever seen, why the scene of delivering baby in a sinetron took my interest that much, etc. Well, it might sound ludicrous, but at least that really happened to me and I think parents’ role should be present at the moment as the information sources.

Who knows that probably there are children out there who have similar question to mine that needs much proper explanation but didn’t know how to ask, getting stuck thinking whether or not it is ok to ask.

When I was a high school student, I had my first Pentium 4 computer without internet connection. Besides playing zuma, minesweeper, or solitaire, I used to watch movies borrowed from a rental. One day, I found a round compact disk without pictures on a computer desk. The curious me put it in the computer's cpu and the video automatically played. I saw a man staring at a woman (I didn’t know that was flirting) who was standing on a staircase of a bunk bed in a small room. When he started to get close to the woman and put off her shorts, I spontaneously took out the compact disk from the cpu and left thunderstruck.

As time goes by, I finally knew that THAT was a blue film, the real bokep, a PORN wkwkwk. The activity that the man and the woman did was a biological activity that’s very normal. It’s mostly pleasurable for both men and women, which depends on the brain that releases hormones interpreting stimulation as pleasurable, therefore, many people have it. The World Health Organization (WHO) has stated that sexuality is an integral part of the personality of everyone: man, woman and child. It is a basic need and aspect of being human that cannot be separated from other aspects of life and it influences thoughts, feelings, actions and interactions and thereby our mental and physical health. The activity is so human :)

That was the first time I watched an adult movie, eventhough I only watched it like no more than 3 minutes. The moment after watching that video was the real challenge for me. I always thought about it, what activity that was, why they did kinda things, what for. I couldn’t ask anyone cause the first thing I remembered was that I took a look at my brother’s property ‘illegally’, so, yeah...feeling guilty and insecure all the way back then passing through my high schools 😭

Taking an educational major then ‘constructs’ me to be educationally critical for any educational stuff. I started to read alot articles on how sex education should be delivered especially for children. Most importantly, reflecting on my childhood, I don’t want my children later on to struggle alone finding about sexuality like I used to. I want them to be at least ‘open’ to me and have a courage to ask anything and I have a capability to explain it in a wise and reasonable way. I don’t want to only scare them by telling about venereal diseases or Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). I want them to know that sex is not only about putting a penis into vagina, but how they aware of their body parts, how they keep it healthy, what needs to do and don’ts and why. It is about them who then have the insight to recognise situations that might turn risky or violent, and know how to avoid them and how to deal with them if they do arise.

As affirmed by Sue Dyson PhD (Australian Research Center in Sex, Health and Society) in her research on parents’ attitutes to sexual health education in Western Australia schools:

“Young people need to learn to know their own personal values and beliefs about relationships and sex. Whether sexuality education occurs in school or in the context of the family, it should be more comprehensive than the simple provision of information. It is therefore important that young people develop skills so that they make sound decisions about sex and relationships and are able to stand up for those decisions.”

Well unfortunately, it is such a challenge faced in this country, at least in the sociey where I live in. Most people think that sex education is something relatable to free sex. I personally would say that sex education should be accompanied by the information about sexual health and reproduction organ, as the more they know, the more they’re supposed to take care of it. The important point is that when someone knows about sex earlier doesn’t mean that they'll get into free sex life. It’s all about knowledge and how parents or adult guide them to not have misleading information.