It is beautiful, but not every single thing is. Many mornings when my husband is sleeping, I frequently feel the deep-suffocating longing, in which I really expect that Doraemon’s door does exist. Looking at parents’ pictures just make it worst, like someone just poked my eyes. The fact that they’re getting old each day while I cannot be there just makes it worst of the worst.
Hi. Just stop by and put a new thing here that I consider uploading it on Instagram is not a good idea. Feel too much I guess, while to me personally, much efforts and tears were best friends to complete this that I need to perpetuate it somewhere. Yes, thesis.
Today I officially an M.Pd, master of Edu. Hhh thinking years back then, when parents needed to work hard for me, hit me hard getting me teary eyes, speechless. Wanted to hug them really tight for this.
Let's say it's my graduation day. Well thanks to COVID-19, no parents, no family, no flowers, but here is my husband with endless supports and super positivity; and ofc Nasi Padang after that.
Completing this thesis taught me to really appreciate every page written, every progress made, every hour sleeping, every minute the advisors given. And yes, what worked for my friends somehow did not work for me. I felt like I was the only lazy one who did not work on my thesis and did not make any progress every time I saw groups of friends updated Whatsapp or Instagram stories, showing they were together in the library, uploading a pile of paper photos. I suddenly became very nervous when I saw friends uploading stories about their meetings with advisors.
In fact, without having to go to the library that often, without making updates on social media, I could finish my thesis. I went to the library but I preferred to do it alone to check some references and back to the boarding house immediately, closed the door with snacks prepared, and worked. Those suited me best.
What friends did not know was that I also experienced bitter advisors' comments which made me cry all night, advisors' complaints about how ugly and unreasonable my writing was, advisors who were too busy to meet, fierce librarians, running out of money to print out materials before the consultation. Once I ate instant noodles for almost a week since I need much money for printing them out. I cried, a lot like "Dear God, just give me billions!" then I would travel around the world, and became an influencer. To hell with this thesis. No, kidding. I need to graduate :")
The difference was that I did not upload them. Period.
I then understood that the "how is your thesis going" question was indeed annoying and gave me more pressure. But being annoyed without doing anything would make me super uneasy, so...no other ways out unless I worked on it. Progress is progress.
The point is, "fuck what your friends are doing. It's just an illusion, made worse by your preconceptions.", I said. Most importantly, based on my experience, focusing on my own work was the only thing that I should do from the very first time.
I think that's it for now. Feel soo good after a little bit swearing tho wkwk. See you!
- Malang, 16 September 2020.
