A Letter from The Jealousy
Agustus 20, 2019
Disclaimer: to anyone who reads this blog (no one knows tho), this one is not offering you positive vibes and use countless 'too much'es, so you better read other posts of mine cause after reading this you’re not gonna like me
The feeling of jealousy comes in any way that I've never understood. Many articles, hundreds love poem I've read to at least minimize the feeling of welling up. I've been trawling google looking for answers. I want to be a tough ignorant strong woman like you. I wonder whether there is someone suffers things like me. I wonder how they are not like me or how they overcome this unpleasant and depressing feeling.
I do aware of the notion that jealousy is only experienced by those who have less self-confidence. To me, it’s not totally right or wrong.
It is not totally right cause to me my self is enough and I can feel that my bf likes me. But again, jealousy just comes in any way that I couldn’t understand. I've never told him that I’m THAT jealous cause I realize that sometimes I become too much, yet the feeling is just there, like a nightmare.
And sure I won't tell him cause with repeated demands for more reassurance whether he still finds me attractive, he could possibly begin to wonder why I feel so insecure and think that I am not the right one.
And sure I won't tell him cause with repeated demands for more reassurance whether he still finds me attractive, he could possibly begin to wonder why I feel so insecure and think that I am not the right one.
The notion is not totally wrong cause there are questions which mostly come on my mind indicating that I am telling the truth. Like am i too much if everyday there are calls from his ex? Am i too much if his top whatsapp contact is his ex? Am i too much if he is blushing and smiling whenever he gets a message from his ex? Am i too much if he never told me why he became that intense with her? Aren't those questions specifically mentioning the 'party' and being specific is telling the truth and telling the truth is not too much and being not too much means normal? Somehow he was super generous, till I cant see any differences between me and his ex. Am i still being too much? Yes, you are.
'We believe that it is important to normalize jealousy as an emotion. Telling people "you must have low self-esteem" will not work. In fact, jealousy-in some cases-may reflect high self-esteem: "I won't allow myself to be treated this way."
Makes sense, doesn't it?
'We believe that it is important to normalize jealousy as an emotion. Telling people "you must have low self-esteem" will not work. In fact, jealousy-in some cases-may reflect high self-esteem: "I won't allow myself to be treated this way."
Makes sense, doesn't it?
Still, deep down inside there keeps telling me that it’s all about me who is always too much. Now I’m trying to have a self-reflection, looking for various possibilities why I am experiencing this, probably :
I have a mental health disorder I should see a psychiatrist.
I’m the last child who used to be a priority.
I had been cheated on, that there’s part of my heart that probably isn’t fully recovered yet.
I am not settling down, so I haven't had anything to offer or proud of yet.
What so ever other possibilities you name it cause I am just being too much.
I wish my bf knew that sometimes I just need to take times at the moment I found something that makes my stomach full of butterflies. Since he’s not a type of man who utters ‘i love you’, I need to feel it and look for the answer whether he’s faithful by myself, then I wish he just gave me time without judging or blaming. I wish he told me more about himself. I wish I was as ignorant as him. I wish he knew that I'm struggling very hard to get over this torturous feelings. I wish he someday reads this and told me that it's okay to feel this way, it's okay to cry. I wish I could tell him that sometimes I feel the anger and the anxiety rising inside me and I don't know what to do. I wish he knew that it hurts a lot that I can't understand my own self. Hhhh I am such a total loser wkwk.
The thing that I should've realized is that he’s forever not mine, so I cannot keep him. Then why I become that bitchy and selfish I know that. I should've found more best boy friends so I can understand his feeling better. I will.
The last question, if I am jealous, does it mean that there's something terribly wrong with me? I don't know. The fact is that I can take my jealousy and do something about it cause I can fully decide if it'll consume me or let it make me into a better person. It's important to ask myself again and again what I hope to gain by my jealousy. I'm trying!
The truth is, jealousy leads me to always focus only on the negatives. I then interpret my partner's behavior as reflecting a loss of interest in me or a growing interest in someone else. It's not healthy and dangerous. I know I know I know.
Well, anyway it's not a rocket science, I need to pull myself together.
See? Do you hate me now? Hehe
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